The difference between being needed, being valued, and living a fulfilling life

By Sherry Blair | Founder, Sherry Blair Institute

As the leaves begin to change colors and the crisp autumn air reminds us that another season is upon us, we often hear familiar messages about change. Let go of what no longer serves you. Embrace new beginnings. Make room for personal growth.

These are wonderful sentiments. But this fall, I would like to invite you to consider something a little different.

When did taking care of everyone else become a woman’s life purpose?

And perhaps an even more important question: When was the last time you stopped to consider what you want from your own life?

For generations, women have been expected to nurture, support, accommodate, organize, anticipate needs, and keep everything running smoothly. We are often the emotional anchors of our families, the problem-solvers in our workplaces, and the people others count on when life becomes difficult.

Many of us take pride in these roles. And why shouldn’t we? Caring for others, contributing to our communities, and building meaningful relationships can bring tremendous joy and purpose. But somewhere along the way, being needed can become confused with being valued. And those are not necessarily the same thing.

The Roles We Play—and the People We Can Lose Sight Of

Think for a moment about the many roles you have played throughout your life: daughter, sister, partner, mother, friend, caregiver, professional, leader, volunteer. Some roles we choose. Others we inherit. Still others seem to find us without our ever formally accepting them.

I am reminded of a woman I met through my work providing parent and family relationship coaching. Her family was navigating the demands of raising a child with additional support needs, along with other challenges in their relationships. She was a remarkably warm, caring person, yet as I came to understand the family dynamics, I began to wonder how much room remained in her life for herself.

The connection in her marriage had become strained. She and her partner did not seem to be working together, and she appeared to carry much of the responsibility for keeping the household running. At times, it seemed she was treated less like an equal partner and more like someone whose job was to look after everyone else.

I encouraged her to explore these concerns with her individual therapist. I also asked her a question that went beyond the immediate parenting challenges: “Who are you when you are not the daughter, the wife, the sister, or the mother? What do you like to do? Do you have a hobby? Do you spend time with girlfriends?

What do you do simply for your own enjoyment?”

She became tearful. “I don’t know,” she said. “I really don’t do anything for myself. I feel trapped in my home.”

Her words stayed with me. And while the circumstances of every family are different, the underlying experience is not unusual. I have heard similar feelings expressed by women who work outside the home as well as by women who spend most of their time caring for their families. They may be accomplished, competent, loving, and generous—and still feel trapped by a seemingly endless list of obligations.

Sometimes those expectations are imposed by others. Sometimes we also contribute to the pattern, often without realizing it, by setting impossibly high demands for ourselves, doing everything before anyone else has a chance to share the responsibility, or believing that asking for help means we have somehow failed. This is not about blaming women for unequal arrangements. It is about recognizing every influence on the pattern so we can begin to change it.

Being good at taking care of others does not mean you should be expected to do it all the time.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

In my work as a psychotherapist, educator, and consultant, I have spent decades helping people recognize the connection between their beliefs, emotions, and behaviors. One of the foundations of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), incorporated into our POWER2RELATE model, is that our interpretations and beliefs influence how we experience and respond to life’s challenges.

Consider thoughts such as: “If I don’t take care of it, nobody will.” “I shouldn’t disappoint anyone.” “A good mother always puts her children first.” “If I say no, people will think I’m selfish.” “I should be able to handle everything.”

These ideas may initially sound admirable. But when a preference becomes a rigid demand, it can contribute to guilt, resentment, anxiety, and exhaustion. There is a world of difference between “I want to be there for those I love” and “I must always put everyone else before myself.”

The goal is not to stop caring for others. It is to remember that your needs, interests, and values deserve a place in your life, too.

Have We Confused a Full Life With a Fulfilling One?

Positive psychology has always resonated with me because it invites us to examine not only what goes wrong but what helps us flourish. Martin Seligman’s PERMA framework describes positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment as important dimensions of well-being.

A fulfilling life is about more than productivity and obligation. It also includes joy, curiosity, connection, purpose, and activities that bring us alive.

Yet how often do we evaluate our day by what we accomplished instead of how fully we lived it? When did we last do something simply because it was enjoyable—visit a new place, share an unhurried conversation, laugh with friends, or explore an interest we had put aside?

A life filled with responsibilities is not necessarily a life filled with fulfillment.

The Extraordinary Power of Women Supporting Women

There is another dimension to this conversation that matters deeply to me: women have an extraordinary amount to offer one another. Think of the wisdom accumulated through years of experience, professional knowledge, creative talents, practical skills, humor, courage, and lessons learned through successes and disappointments.

At the same time, feminist thinkers have long examined how unequal power structures, stereotypes, and limited opportunities can encourage comparison or rivalry among women. We are invited to measure ourselves against one another—our appearance, our age, our parenting, our careers, our relationships— even when our lives and values are completely different.

What if we changed that narrative? What if another woman’s accomplishments became a reason to celebrate, her knowledge an opportunity to learn, and her different perspective a chance to grow?

Supporting women does not mean we must always agree or have the same experiences. It means meeting one another with curiosity instead of judgment, generosity instead of comparison, and respect for the worth each person brings.

Another woman’s light does not diminish our own. We can illuminate one another’s lives.

We Don’t Have to Turn Every Experience Into Self-Improvement

We have access to an extraordinary volume of books, podcasts, workshops, videos, and AI-generated advice about becoming healthier, happier, more confident, and more productive. Much of this knowledge can help us. I have devoted much of my professional life to sharing practical psychological tools.

But sometimes I wonder whether we are so busy trying to improve ourselves that we forget to enjoy ourselves.

Not every gathering needs to solve a problem. Not every conversation needs to become a lesson. Sometimes we need to connect, laugh, explore, try something new, and enjoy the company of people who make life richer. These experiences are not distractions from flourishing. They are part of it.

A Little Reflection for This Fall

As we enter this season, consider five questions:

1. What roles occupy most of my time and energy? Which bring meaning, and which have become overwhelming?

2. What parts of myself have I placed on hold? Think about interests, friendships, experiences, and dreams you rarely make time for.

3. What beliefs may be keeping me from making room for myself? Are they facts, preferences, or rigid demands you might challenge?

4. What wisdom or talents could I share with other women? Something ordinary to you may be a gift to someone else.

5. What would bring more joy, connection, or meaning into my life right now? Not someday when every obligation has been completed—right now.

Choose one small action that reflects your answer: reach out to a friend, say yes to an invitation, ask someone to share a responsibility, or set aside time for something that gives you pleasure. Change becomes real when we practice it.

A New Chapter: We Do Brave Together

For years, my professional work has focused on self-awareness, emotional intelligence, healthier relationships, and practical ways of creating fulfilling lives. Those principles are central to POWER2RELATE and to the exercises in Free Your Mind: How to Stay Sane & Happy in a Crazy World, which I coauthored with Connie Masullo.

But I have become increasingly passionate about something else: what becomes possible when women intentionally come together—not because they need fixing, but because they have so much to offer one another and so much life still to experience.

That vision inspired The Brava Society: a community for women to connect, share their talents and wisdom, support one another, explore new interests, create memorable experiences, and have fun. I imagine women of different ages, backgrounds, and life experiences coming together, with each person both contributing and belonging.

This fall, perhaps the question is not only what we need to let go of, but what we want to make room for.

More laughter? More friendship? More freedom? More adventure? More meaningful connections?

Our lives need not be defined solely by what we do for everyone else. They can also be enriched by who we are, what we love, and the people with whom we share the journey.

We do brave together.

Continue the Conversation

What is one thing you would like to make more room for in your life? And what talent, experience, or piece of wisdom would you enjoy sharing with other women?

Learn more about The Brava Society at TheBravaSociety.com. For practical exercises to explore beliefs, values, emotional well-being, and growth, visit YouCanFreeYourMind.com.

Sherry Blair Institute | SherryBlairInstitute.com