Before learning another parenting strategy, discover why managing your own emotions may be one of the most important gifts you can give your child.

Have you ever told your child to calm down while you were losing your own patience?

Perhaps your child refused to do homework, ignored your request to put away their phone, or had an emotional meltdown just as you were trying to get everyone out the door. You knew that yelling would not help, but before you realized it, you were raising your voice, making threats, or saying things you later regretted.

Sound familiar?

As parents, we often expect our children to manage their frustration, control their impulses, communicate respectfully, and make good decisions. Yet we sometimes struggle to do these very things ourselves, especially when we are tired, stressed, or overwhelmed.

How can we teach our children to manage their emotions if we have not learned to manage our own?

For years, I have emphasized an essential principle in my work with parents: We cannot expect our children to develop the emotional and behavioral skills we want them to have if we are not willing to develop and practice those skills ourselves.

This does not mean that parents must be perfect or that every challenging behavior is a reflection of their parenting. Children have their own temperaments, developmental needs, and struggles. However, how we respond to those challenges can profoundly influence what our children learn and how our relationships develop.

Before we can effectively guide our children, we need to learn how to guide ourselves.

Why Parents Need to Put Their Oxygen Masks on First

We have all heard the familiar airline safety instruction: Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting your child. The reason is simple. If you cannot breathe, you cannot effectively help someone else.

The same principle applies to parenting. When we are emotionally overwhelmed, frustrated, or anxious, our ability to think clearly, manage our impulses, and respond thoughtfully can become compromised. We may react to our children’s behavior rather than consider what they need from us in that moment.

Putting on your emotional oxygen mask means developing the ability to recognize what you are feeling, understand what is contributing to those feelings, and choose how you want to respond.

It does not mean that you must always remain calm or that your own needs should take priority over your children’s. It means developing the emotional capacity to care for yourself while guiding your children through life’s challenges.

Taking responsibility for our emotional well-being is not selfish. It is an essential part of effective parenting.

Your Children Are Learning from What You Do, Not Just What You Say

Children learn through observation, experience, and their relationships with the important adults in their lives. When we tell our children to speak respectfully but respond to them with yelling, we send conflicting messages. When we expect them to tolerate frustration but become overwhelmed whenever things do not go our way, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate how to manage disappointment.

Conversely, when we recognize our frustration, pause before responding, communicate respectfully, and take responsibility when we make mistakes, we demonstrate the very skills we want our children to develop.

And when we do lose our patience? Acknowledging our behavior and making an effort to repair the relationship can teach an equally important lesson: We are all responsible for our actions, and mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow.

A Parenting Moment Outside Target

As I was walking out of Target, I noticed a parent with a toddler who was literally screaming at the top of his lungs. My immediate thought was, “I bet she told him no!”

As I watched them, I noticed something important. Despite her child’s very loud protest, this mother remained calm. She spoke to him peacefully, explained things in language he could understand, and continued guiding him toward the car. She was not yelling or becoming visibly overwhelmed by his reaction. Nor was she giving in simply to make the screaming stop.

As I happened to pass her on my way to my car, I asked, “I bet you told him no, right?” For a brief moment, her little boy stopped screaming, and she said, “Yes!”

I told her that I work with parents and applauded what she was doing. She was holding her ground while treating her child with patience, understanding, and respect.

Her toddler was upset, and that was okay. He was experiencing frustration because he could not have something he wanted. She was allowing him to experience that disappointment without changing her decision to make him feel better in the moment. Meanwhile, she was calmly moving him toward the next step: getting into the car.

What happened after they got into the car is left to our imagination!

But what I witnessed in that parking lot was an important example of effective parenting. This mother understood that her child’s emotional reaction did not require her to abandon her boundary or lose control of her own emotions. She could acknowledge his frustration without giving in to his demands. She could remain loving while being firm.

The goal is not to suppress children’s emotions or demand that they stop crying. It is to help them gradually learn that they can experience disappointment and frustration while developing appropriate ways to express and manage those feelings.

Parents can acknowledge their children’s emotions without allowing those emotions to dictate their parenting decisions.

Why More Parenting Strategies Are Not Always the Answer

Parents today have access to an overwhelming amount of information about raising children. There are countless books, podcasts, parenting programs, and social media accounts offering advice about consequences, rewards, communication, discipline, and managing challenging behaviors. Many of these strategies can be helpful.

But knowing what to do and being able to do it when emotions are running high are two very different things. You may understand the importance of consistency but struggle to follow through when your child becomes upset. You may recognize the value of positive reinforcement but find yourself focusing primarily on what your child is doing wrong. You may know that yelling is ineffective but still react angrily when your child ignores repeated requests.

Why? Because effective parenting involves more than learning techniques. It requires developing the emotional awareness, beliefs, communication skills, and self-regulation necessary to implement those techniques consistently.

Parenting strategies are important, but our ability to manage ourselves influences how effectively we use them.

Your Thoughts Influence Your Emotions and Your Parenting

One of the most powerful lessons we can learn is that our interpretation of a situation influences how we feel and respond. Consider a parent whose child refuses to follow directions.

The parent might think: “My child is deliberately disrespecting me! I cannot stand this behavior! They should know better by now!” These thoughts may intensify feelings of anger and frustration, increasing the likelihood that the parent will yell, threaten, or engage in a power struggle.

Now consider a different perspective: “I do not like this behavior, and I want my child to follow directions. However, I can tolerate my frustration, remain in control of my response, and address the behavior constructively.”

The child’s behavior has not changed, but the parent’s perspective creates an opportunity for a different emotional and behavioral response. This does not mean ignoring unacceptable behavior, eliminating consequences, or pretending that everything is wonderful. It means recognizing that we can experience frustration, disappointment, or concern without allowing those emotions to control how we behave.

Our goal is not to eliminate negative emotions. It is to develop healthier emotional responses that help us address challenges effectively. This is a fundamental principle of Rational Living, one of the core elements of my POWER2RELATE model.

A Simple Exercise: Pause, Reflect, and Respond

The next time you find yourself becoming frustrated with your child, try practicing these four steps:

1. Recognize your emotional state.

Notice what you are feeling. Are you frustrated, anxious, disappointed, exhausted, or overwhelmed? Pay attention to physical signs such as muscle tension, a racing heart, or an urge to raise your voice.

2. Examine what you are telling yourself.

Ask: “What am I thinking about this situation? Am I telling myself that my child MUST behave the way I want? Am I making this situation more upsetting by telling myself that I cannot stand it?” Remind yourself that you can strongly dislike a behavior without allowing it to overwhelm you.

3. Give yourself permission to pause.

Take a slow breath. If necessary and safe to do so, give yourself a brief moment before addressing the situation. You might say, “I am feeling frustrated right now, and I want to take a moment so we can talk about this calmly.” You are modeling emotional regulation, not avoiding the problem.

4. Choose a response that reflects your parenting values.

Ask: “What do I want my child to learn from this experience? How can I address this behavior while maintaining our connection and reinforcing appropriate boundaries?” You can be loving and firm. You can validate your child’s feelings without agreeing with their behavior. You can enforce consequences without anger or humiliation.

The more we practice these skills, the more opportunities we create to respond to parenting challenges with greater awareness, confidence, and purpose.

Effective Parenting Begins with YOU

Parenting is not simply about getting children to comply with our expectations or eliminating challenging behavior. It is about helping children develop the emotional, social, and behavioral skills they need to navigate relationships, manage adversity, and thrive.

As parents, we are among our children’s most influential teachers. When we develop greater emotional awareness, learn to manage our frustration, communicate effectively, and model healthy relationships, we strengthen our ability to guide our children through life’s challenges.

This is not about being a perfect parent. There is no such thing. It is about being willing to grow alongside our children. Before searching for the next parenting technique, ask yourself: Am I developing the same skills that I want my child to learn?

Sometimes, the most meaningful change in our children’s behavior begins with a change in how we respond to them.

Put your oxygen mask on first. Your children need you to breathe, too.

Ready to Put Your Oxygen Mask on First?

Parenting does not come with an instruction manual, and knowing what to do is not always enough. We also need the tools to manage our own emotions, strengthen our relationships, and respond to our children with greater calm, confidence, and connection.

Join us for the P2R Parent Circle, an educational and interactive parenting program from the Sherry Blair Institute. Using the POWER2RELATE model, we go beyond traditional parenting strategies to help you develop practical skills for managing your emotions, communicating effectively, establishing healthy boundaries, and guiding your children with love and purpose.

Through educational resources and interactive coaching, you will have opportunities to learn, reflect, and apply skills to the everyday challenges of parenting. Because effective parenting is not just about changing your child’s behavior. It begins with empowering YOU.

Our P2R Parent Circle begins in October 2026.

Register for the P2R Parent Circle: https://P2RParentCircle.eventbrite.com

Sherry Blair | Founder & CEO, Sherry Blair Institute